Actor's Tale
by hitori.no.boku
Summary: Jiraiya knows he won't last forever. After all, in the end, he's just a tired old man.


Actor's Tale

Disclaimer: Never owned 'Naruto', never will…

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Jiraiya doesn't know what to do anymore. His purpose in life has been expired. He's utterly emotionless, a wandering soul that drifts across the world, forever searching. Searching from something that is completely out of reach. That…special place. He awes himself with the pure amount of stress his aged, failing body can put up with. He knows it won't last forever. After all, in the end he's just a tired old man.

He takes life as it comes. Jiraiya has done things his way since childhood.

He still remembers the beatings, the starving and the neglect. He's never had a family. It's just something that he adds to the list of 'out of reach'. Having someone to lean on is just a phantom thought that lingers in the back of his mind. He just takes his situation in life with a sad smile and a clenched jaw.

Jiraiya never complains. Never. He learns as a child that the world has no place for complainers, no place for whiners. The world does not look kindly on people who mope in sorrow and have pity for themselves. The world takes great prejudice against these types of humans and quickly strikes them down, tearing them off the face of the planet.

Jiraiya learns that lesson early in life. He is just a seven-year-old boy, a kid with no guidance and no sense of direction. An openhearted, simple-minded fool quickly used and taken advantage of, manipulated, helplessness preyed upon by the horrors of life.

Jiraiya is one of the lucky ones. The seventeen other orphans that are ensnared in the trap of life are crippled for life. Bodies distorted, faces mutilated, destroyed beyond recognition. He escapes with first and second degree burns. The rest of his orphan comrades are burned alive.

His life of lies and deceit starts here. It is here that the incredible man that will become Jiraiya is seeded.

He never cries. At least not anymore

He is…incapable of crying. His life is made from the tears of his childhood. The tears from the street love of his younger life to the trials of his Genin years build the foundation of the great monument that is Jiraiya. He doesn't shed tears anymore. He's cried them all out. For dead comrades. Lovers. Friends. Teachers. Students.

The tears that once flowed freely from his eyes have long since dried up. They are empty wells of sorrow, connecting to his soul. He can't cry any longer.

Slowly but steadily more and more half-truths pile up.

He doesn't believe in friends anymore.

The few he had passed away, corpses rotting six feet under. The ones he thought he knew betrayed him stabbed him in the back and left him to die. The ones that stayed with him hardly even talk anymore. But he waits. And as they meet face to face, the only words spoken between them consists of an awkward, 'Hello…' How do you speak to someone you haven't seen in years?

The path of his life is crafted, a product of his thoughts and emotions.

Jiraiya is tired of failure.

He's tired of seeing the people he's raised and help climb to the top, fall, plunge into the dark and fade away from existence. His students have fallen, faded, diminished, disappeared and turned. He no longer holds the satisfaction of knowing what he's done has turned out for the better. One dead…another dead…another dead…one turned…another turned… Jiraiys no longer has faith in his abilities and vows to never take on another apprentice.

Until he meets him. That damned gaki.

He is eerily reminded of past students and his heart throbs in protest. It tells him not to make the same mistake again. It tells him to forget it all and live life in solitude. It tells him to leave. He ignores his heart's warnings. Maybe he'd give it one more shot…

He's utterly ecstatic when his new pupil takes to techniques like a fish to water but inside he is pained, knowing that this might just be an exciting climb to the top, and a long, deadly plunge to the bottom.

At that moment Jiraiya realizes he's tired of life.

But it is his duty to fight until the end. He can't give up. He won't give up. He's never been a quitter and doesn't intend to start now, especially when so much rides on his shoulders. He just decides to stick it out, just like he always has. He doesn't know what life has in store for him and being honest to himself, he doesn't really care. As far as he's concerned, he only has one purpose left in life.

And more and more masks are piled on…

He wonders why he tries so hard. Why he's never settled for less than one hundred percent. Why he's always given it his all. He has some theories, but it's a question he will never answer. Sensei once told him that he was stubborn, a product of childhood upbringing and an emotional mindset. If only he'd known how right he was.

Jiraiya never bothers anyone with his problems.

And yet he tries to help everyone else with problems of their own. As he struggles to council the raging emotions and thoughts of his new apprentice, as the worries and goals and loves of his student reach his ears, Jiraiya realizes that old age has caught up with him and there's no way to stop the flow of time.

So he accepts another mission.

He puts his life on the line, knowing what is ahead of him. He prays to god that he'll be able to make it through. He prays that he'll be able to make it back.

But who is he kidding? He knows he won't be able to make it back. He knows that this is his final mission. He expects to die. As for when, he has no idea. Whether it is at the old age of ninety, or at this split second, he really doesn't know.

The heavens have always been fickle when dealing with his life.

Death comes quickly, but he isn't surprised. He's been waiting for this moment for fifty-six years. And if he's going to die now, he might as well do it in style. He realizes his death is the culmination of a life of failures. But he isn't fazed.

All he ever tries to be is a wonderful person. Life turns him into an actor though. A being capable of endless possibilities. The ability to raise a leader, but never become one. To have false emotions. To grieve in only a way an actor knows possible. To give life to an inanimate object. To speak with a silver tongue. To write with god-like talent. To turn the knife against an opponent. To snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. To triumph when things look dark. To sacrifice oneself for the future of mankind. The ability to give your life.

And to an actor, each of these is just a prop, a prop that he uses in a scene, that he uses in an act, that he uses in a drama.

He thinks it's a fitting way to end, a finalization to the tragic play of his life.

The light vanishes.

A sad smile flutters across his face.

Perhaps he's finally found that special place…

He dies alone. Everyone he knows already having passed before him. His only regret in not being there for him, not being able to raise the child that would be the light of the world. It is a regret Jiraiya will carry to the heavens and beyond. He hopes he'll be able to watch down upon the child from those white clouds high in the sky.

The tale of his life has come to a close. A life filled with masks. Loner, lover, fighter, mourner, wanderer, seeker, writer.

Despite all these titles, in the end, he's just a tired old man.

But more importantly, he's an actor.

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-Fin-


End file.
